I’m going to be a bit vulnerable and raw in this blog entry…because the older I get the more I realize both how important vulnerability is. I am a 31 year old single woman, and for the past few months I have been in a place of peace and confidence in my single-hood and it has been incredibly refreshing and encouraging. But this past week has been a different story. It has been a struggle to say the least. There have been nights that I have had to fight off tears and there have been moments of deep longing for companionship and a family of my own.
But one thing that I am realizing now more than ever before is that it is okay to have those feelings of longing…it is okay to feel lonely… it is okay to not always have to be strong, confidant, and put together. I am learning to embrace every feeling as it comes at me, but never to allow those feelings, whether good or bad, to control me or define me. And that is the first thing I hope to encourage any of you single ladies with who are reading this and really struggling – That you would know that you can be honest before God with your feelings. You don’t have to be strong for Him. You can fall into his arms, and cry, and be vulnerable, and weak, and He will meet you right where you’re at. In fact, He loves your vulnerability and rawness with Him. And it is in those moments that He desires to comfort you and be your validation and wholeness.
The second point I would like to make came from a friend who I believe God has placed in my life during this time for a very specific reason. In the midst of my questions, and my struggle he sent me a text that put words to something that I know deep down is true, but that I can easily forget in light of my circumstances. He said this…
“If I may…I know that I know that I know that God will grant you your hearts desire. In fact, he may have already and it just has not manifested itself yet. You are a beautiful woman Mandy…creative, loving, strong, successful, and talented. If all you sought was a warm body to fill your bed, you could have fulfilled that desire long, long ago. You and I both know this. But this is not what you seek. You seek something greater…something deeper and more profound. Not just any man can be that for you. Only one can. And you have patiently waited. You are a wise woman and your patience is known and will not go unrewarded.”
I share this to get a point across to every single woman reading this who has waited patiently and faithfully for a Godly spouse but hasn’t met that person yet. What my friend said in this text applies not only to me but to all of you who have sought God first in all that you do, and have poured your lives out at His feet. I love his words because they remind me that what we are searching for as single women passionately pursuing the heart of God, is not just a warm body to fill our bed, but a man who will be our partner in every sense of the word, who will love us deeply, fully, freely, and vulnerably, and who will remain faithful to us through hell and back…and a man for whom we will do the same. That is not easy to find, especially in a culture that values quick fixes and selfish gain in relationships. And what we must realize is that it took a lot of strength to get where we are – no matter how imperfectly we’ve walked out our journey thus far. I acknowledge that at any moment, even right now, I could put on a revealing dress and a pair of high heals, go out to a bar or club, meet a guy and have sex with him to fill that void inside of me for intimacy with a man, but that is not what my heart is truly looking for. That is only a sad, temporary fix, at best, for something so much deeper.
And I believe the same is true for each of you. We all have our choices. And we have the choice everyday to remain faithful to the call that God has on our lives and to trust that He has our story in His hands. Because He absolutely does. And if there’s one thing that I hope you all get from this blog post it is this – That you would know that God sees you, even when it seems He doesn’t…That you would know that you are not still single because of some flaw in you, or because you are not pretty enough, smart enough, or funny enough…That you would know that you are not still single because you fell short morally somewhere along the line… That is not the God we serve – His gifts aren’t merited, just as much as His withholding is not punishment. You are single because God’s plan is greater than anything you could ever dream up yourself. He loves you deeply, and out of His incredible love for you He gives you what He deems best for you in His time.
When my friend said, “I know that God will grant you your hearts desire.” I didn’t necessarily take that to mean that God will give me a spouse…though I pray He does. I took that to mean that if I am following God and laying my life down at His feet, His desires will become my desires. SO if that means that His desire is for me to get married and have a family of my own, I can trust that He will bring that to me in His time. Or if that means that His desire is for me to be single and serve Him as a single woman, I can trust that He will change my hearts desire to be able to have the strength to live this life as a single woman. My prayer for each of you is that you would know that God sees you, and loves you, and wants your heart to be fully satisfied in Him whether a man is by your side or not. He is jealous and He wants you, all of you. You are beautiful. You are worthy. And you are loved no matter your circumstance or your relationships status.